I have really struggled this year, in a lot of areas. I have become more of an introvert. I have slowed down even with my running. I have laughed it off a bit and blame it on the fact that I turned 40 this year. Maybe that is some of my issue. That I am just not where I thought I would be at the ripe ole age of 40. I am blessed of course. But as an individual I really thought I would be in a different place at this point in life.
I even have found myself needing the approval of others more. I know I matter whether anyone else thinks so or not but I find myself craving the approval of others. And that makes me mad. I know not to care what others think, but I do. And that can create a living hell. So you have an over thinker that needs approval of others but still just wants to sit in her pajamas at home. How ironic is that? I am the person that wants to be included and invited but most of the time I won’t show up. The social anxiety just gets to me. I really just sound like a hot mess.
But in all seriousness I am fighting a battle. I really never feel like I fit in. I am always on the outside looking in. And I honestly wonder how many others feel this same way. They feel unimportant or that no matter what they do it is never enough. We hide behind smiles and pretend life is great. We fight tears when we go to bed. And we feel awful for the way we feel because life is good. Our minds just make it not that great. Anxiety and depression are real issues these days. Most people do not want to hear about your problems so we are forced to keep quiet and deal with things alone. Besides if you don’t want to even hear it why would anyone else want to? So we fight the battle alone.
I have finally come to terms once again after falling short that I am never alone. Of course I am never alone because I have a wonderful support system with my family but I am speaking of a higher being. GOD. I have friends that do not believe and some that just do not really care either way. I have issues with organized religion. Yes you guessed it, I have social anxiety even with church. I cannot handle being the center of attention so if I go and visit a church I really just want to hide. I want to sneak in and sneak out. But I do not have to attend a church to talk to God and let Him take my problems. And as I type these words I realize how much I have pushed Him aside these past years. How I do not pray like I should and how I need God in my life to overcome my battles. I am not writing this blog to start any religious argument. People will believe what they will. Or will not. But after almost a year of complete ups and downs I need God back in my life. I cannot possibly get through this life without Him.
I haven’t blogged in a while because I really didn’t know what to say or if anyone even cared if I blogged at all. But I consider it a personal journal for others to read. My heart hurts a lot. But I am thankful my heart still feels. I could honestly get more personal and maybe one day I will but for now I just encourage you to reach out to others. Just smile and be there. But I encourage you to also reach out to God. You will be better for it. This life can be a mess but I just want it to be a glorious mess.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”