In less than 2 months I will be the big 4-0. And on Friday 13! I want to embrace it but it also depresses me. I’m not at all where I want to be in life. I have plenty to be happy about and I am blessed. But there are missing pieces in my life. My daughter will be turning 16 exactly two weeks after. So July will be a big month this year.
I laugh and kid with my daughter by saying I will probably be the one that flips her lid and has a huge midlife crisis when she leaves to go to college. I just feel like something is missing in my life. Maybe most feel this way, I don’t know. But sometimes I just want a fresh start. But what exactly is that fresh start? And would I feel any different if things were changed?
You see I have extremely low self confidence. Always have and possibly always will. I can blame others for it and yes some are to blame. But a lot of it is just me. I don’t ever feel pretty enough or good enough or loved enough. It’s ridiculous I know. I’ve tried hard to change the way I feel and look at things. I admire those that truly don’t care what others think of them. I need others to like me. I’m frantic if I think someone doesn’t like me. I will stay awake trying to figure out what I did or didn’t do for them to dislike me. But guess what? Some people just will not like you. And they are not losing sleep over it. So I really need to get over myself and stop needing the approval of others to be happy and feel like I am living a fulfilled life.
So I want this grand year of being 40 to be spectacular. Will it be? Who knows. Life happens and I’m sure there will be set backs. But I want to help others that feel like I do. Help others to love themselves. With that they will be helping me as well. I want a more positive life. A life I don’t want to escape from but look forward to everyday.
I don’t want to view it all from behind and feel left out. Maybe I don’t want to just be in the middle of the pack but maybe I want to take the lead from time to time. Life is just starting! And I need to live it for me. And along the way I want to encourage those around me. I feel good about this upcoming milestone in my life. I’m excited to see what may come. 💕