Finding Myself

Running is a passion for me and was honestly becoming an obsession. It’s still borderlines as an obsession. I planned my week and weekends around it. I still look at the weather forecast for the week and try to see which days look the best to get in a run. But this year has been hard. It’s been hard to focus on anything really. Things happen and life changes for better or worse. I hit a rut and couldn’t work my way out of it. I’ve become more antisocial and less active overall.

My goal half marathon is this Sunday. It is my PR half at a 2:02 and some change. It was going to be my sub 2 half. I will be lucky to get a 2:10. The winter really broke me this year. I couldn’t stand the cold runs, when in the past it didn’t matter what the weather, I was one of the crazies outside running. I have a treadmill but I would have rather been outside braving the elements. Not this year. If it was nasty out I just didn’t run. Not inside or outside.

I finally admitted I was dealing with depression. I have always dealt with anxiety and with anxiety comes some depression but I had never really felt truly depressed. A few things had happened over the past months and it was just easier to pull away and distance myself from the outside world. I had become so dependent on running with others that I forgot why I started running. It wasn’t for the social aspect although that is a bonus. It wasn’t for the expensive trips that have me struggling with debt. Those were fun too and experiences that my daughter and I probably wouldn’t have had otherwise. So I cherish all of that. But I started running for me. To be active and healthy. To be outdoors and to not have to depend on anyone. It was something I could do with myself, for myself. It didn’t involve making plans with others so I could do it. It was a solo sport. I ran solo for a while in the beginning. And it wasn’t until I met my running group that I really found my ability to run. I had the accountability from the group to show up, it was easy to stay in bed when I was running alone. So I never want anyone to think I do not like my running family. They are that, a family. And I love them all.

But I became dependent and felt as if I had to always show up. That every run had to be with the group. Solo runs were terrible and I avoided them at all costs. I’ve accomplished so much with the help of my friends. And am so thankful for them and all the great memories I am making with them.

But it was time to find myself again. To learn to love running again. Not just the socializing that came with it. So to get out of my funk I began running solo some again. I skipped runs and didn’t stress over it. And during the time of finding myself I have struggled. My asthma started truly kicking my ass so now I have a glorious corticosteroid inhaler I use at night. My crazy left leg will always bother me and now I have some unexplained mid back pain.

There will always be obstacles keeping us from the life we truly want. But we fight through it. And while I was so angry at how my progress seemed to be going backwards with running, I finally decided to Let Go. No more insane goals for now. So what if I never Sub 2. Life will go on and I will still run. It was a sad day when I cried with my mom and said I was worried I would eventually stop running. That I would hate it. It is my therapy and I need it. I don’t need the crazy goals I just need to remember why I started running in the first place. How I felt the first 5k I was able to run it all without stopping. It has truly blessed my life. And the friendships made mean more than they will ever know. But I had to step back and find me again. To remind myself of why I started. To find the love again. And yes there will be a part of me that will be sad that I do not PR Sunday and a part that is furious that the temps will be in the low 30s at the start! But I get to experience it with so many others from the group. This will be a first half marathon for some and I am glad to be a part of that.

I hope to get back to my true love of this crazy sport called running. I am still crazy enough to do three half marathons this month. But they will be slow and they will be fun! They will remind me of how far I’ve came and how blessed I am. Thanks for continuing to read my blogs. And always keep running. Push through and remember why you started!

2 comments

  1. I think you made a good decision. Let running be fun for you again. Don’t wear a watch or worry about your time. I had to make a similar decision some time ago. Running should make you feel good about yourself! 3 half marathons in a month! You should be proud.

    Like

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